Wednesday, November 7, 2012

I'm baaaack!

Whoa! It's been so long since I've been here and so much has changed! I took a look at my reading list and was so pleased to see so many of the people I used to see on a regular basis. I'd dearly love to write in here regularly again and have more contact with you all, so I won't promise but I will try.

We've been settled into our cozy apartment (cozy is code for small) for over a year now. I had hoped to be moved back to Phoenix by now but money and other factors kept us here. I'm hoping now for this June as a move date. I didn't get the job I was so hoping for at the time of my last posting, but I suppose that's okay. Everything happens for a reason, right? I have no idea what that reason may be, but I'm sure it's part of some overall plan that God, or the cosmos, or somebody somewhere understands. They say that which does not kill you makes you stronger. Well, my friends, I should be able to bench press a damn Cadillac by now!

My son and I are healthy, content and comfortable with each other in our new lives, just the two of us. We have everything we need and most of the things we want. I'm not sure you could ask for much more and reasonably expect to get it. When I decided to file for divorce and change all of our lives irrevocably and permanently I kept repeating one thing over and over like a mantra to keep me balanced, to keep my sanity, to justify my actions to myself; I repeated to myself, "I'd rather be alone than live like this, I'd rather be alone than live like this." Turns out I was right and wrong. I would rather be alone than live like that, however,  I am not alone. There's no new man in my life but I have my son and my friends and my job and a whole new set of acquaintances and most importantly I have ME.

 I have spent the time I've been away learning who I am and all the things about myself that I didn't know or had forgotten; all the aspects of my personality that I had repressed to keep the peace and "pretend normal". If you're a longtime follower you'll remember that pretend normal is the term I gave my married life. Nobody knew what was really happening and nobody took the time to really ask or care. In any group setting Father of the Year, the children and I all pretended we were a normal happy family. What a crock! I no longer do that. Unfortunately one of the side effects of shedding pretend normal and finding my true personality is that the years of hiding all that away has given me a form of truth tourette's. If I'm thinking it or feeling it, I tend to just say it. This is not a comfortable situation for some of my co-workers. Everyone around me is so concerned with "political correctness" or "customer service" that they have become fake, phony, contrived. I have become blunt and brutally honest. Wow, who knew so many people would get their little feelers bent by that? I guess it's not actually polite to point out other people's shortcomings even if you think it will help them do a better job or make everyone's job and workday a little easier. Oops, sorry. Okay, actually I'm not sorry. Another new-found aspect of my personality; I don't feel a lot of guilt over hurting people's feelings if I am, in fact telling the truth. I'm a big girl and I put on my big girl panties and went out to face the world on my own and I feel like all my co-workers should do the same. It's a job, someone pays you to be there. Go to work, do your job, then go home. If you're lucky enough to enjoy it or have a little fun during the workday, then you're lucky enough.

Myself, I'm feeling pretty lucky.

1 comment:

  1. And welcome back, Charlene.
    You are sounding more and more like who you were meant to be. And that, dahlinnggg is just mavaloussssss :-)
    I've a feeling you were smiling as you were typing this and I, for one, extend huge KUDOS your way.
    And yes, I smiled as I read your post and typed this back.