Sunday, February 3, 2013
Bothered by... Paranoia
I am experiencing a bit of paranoia. Normally, I'd say that's not such a bad thing, being a little paranoid keeps you aware, which in turn keeps you safe. However, in wondering why I never seem to find time to write in my blog, one of the reasons that crossed my mind was, "FOTY knows about it". I think this is really the heart of the matter. I don't want to write anything too personal that could easily be viewed by FOTY and then in turn used against me in some way. The blogosphere has become, in my mind at least, yet another place for him to spy on me and at some point use the information he finds to blindside me once again with one thing or another. Things go quiet for weeks or even months at a time, then out of the blue the man starts pestering me again and basically just "poking" at me. It's a bit like poking a hornet's nest, he knows he will get a reaction. The thing I can't figure out is why he would want one? We are divorced, he has gone his way and I have gone mine. I honestly don't care where he is or what he's doing or with whom, but he seems to keep pretty close tabs on me and my son and at some point goes out of his way to let us know this. In speaking with someone familiar with his mental health issues, I have found that this is actually common behavior for someone with the issues he has. I don't suppose figuring out the workings of a warped mind are going to do me any good and it's not the least bit helpful to know this is common behavior for someone with his type of mental health issues. The fact of the matter is, it's making ME feel a bit crazy! I keep thinking it would help to move out of this town and as far away from him as possible but I'm not sure anywhere is far enough. If I post anything personal on the internet he seems to find out about it. I've removed every single Facebook contact that may have a personal relationship of any kind with him and he still seems to have some way to spy on me. I'm not sure how to proceed from here. Do I just live my life and never worry about what he sees online or what gossip he hears from other people? If I do that, I may be happier temporarily but when he decides to blindside me it's a barrage of text messages and emails full of accusations and thinly veiled threats. The idea that someone is constantly watching, constantly judging has my skin crawling a bit. I really love to sit and write and I love the feedback I used to get when people actually followed and read what I had to write. The interactions with people I was getting to know and beginning to really like. I miss it. But every single time I do what I like and disregard the consequences it's like I'm standing on a railroad track waiting for the oncoming train and he is the conductor of the crazy train. I thought leaving was enough. I honestly thought removing myself and my children from an unhealthy, abusive situation was the answer. Now it seems like it will never be enough, like there is no answer. It's been three years since I filed for divorce. I feel like I should be in a position to help other women who are in bad situations, but I still can't totally help myself. I feel like I should see the crazy train coming and have time to step off the tracks and watch the trainwreck from the sidelines but I never quite make it off the tracks in time. If I constantly feel the need to censor myself I will disappear from Blogger again. If I do as I please and just live my life, I will eventually be confronted with the madness of the man I least want to have contact with. Am I being too paranoid? Is there such a thing as being too paranoid? I suppose we'll have to wait and see, because I have been in the mood to write, so that is what I shall do!