Sunday, February 3, 2013

Bothered by... Paranoia

I am experiencing a bit of paranoia. Normally, I'd say that's not such a bad thing, being a little paranoid keeps you aware, which in turn keeps you safe. However, in wondering why I never seem to find time to write in my blog, one of the reasons that crossed my mind was, "FOTY knows about it". I think this is really the heart of the matter. I don't want to write anything too personal that could easily be viewed by FOTY and then in turn used against me in some way. The blogosphere has become, in my mind at least, yet another place for him to spy on me and at some point use the information he finds to blindside me once again with one thing or another. Things go quiet for weeks or even months at a time, then out of the blue the man starts pestering me again and basically just "poking" at me. It's a bit like poking a hornet's nest, he knows he will get a reaction. The thing I can't figure out is why he would want one? We are divorced, he has gone his way and I have gone mine. I honestly don't care where he is or what he's doing or with whom, but he seems to keep pretty close tabs on me and my son and at some point goes out of his way to let us know this. In speaking with someone familiar with his mental health issues, I have found that this is actually common behavior for someone with the issues he has. I don't suppose figuring out the workings of a warped mind are going to do me any good and it's not the least bit helpful to know this is common behavior for someone with his type of mental health issues. The fact of the matter is, it's making ME feel a bit crazy! I keep thinking it would help to move out of this town and as far away from him as possible but I'm not sure anywhere is far enough. If I post anything personal on the internet he seems to find out about it. I've removed every single Facebook contact that may have a personal relationship of any kind with him and he still seems to have some way to spy on me. I'm not sure how to proceed from here. Do I just live my life and never worry about what  he sees online or what gossip he hears from other people? If I do that, I may be happier temporarily but when he decides to blindside me it's a barrage of text messages and emails full of accusations and thinly veiled threats. The idea that someone is constantly watching, constantly judging has my skin crawling a bit. I really love to sit and write and I love the feedback I used to get when people actually followed and read what I had to write. The interactions with people I was getting to know and beginning to really like. I miss it. But every single time I do what I like and disregard the consequences it's like I'm standing on a railroad track waiting for the oncoming train and he is the conductor of the crazy train. I thought leaving was enough. I honestly thought removing myself and my children from an unhealthy, abusive situation was the answer. Now it seems like it will never be enough, like there is no answer. It's been three years since I filed for divorce. I feel like I should be in a position to help other women who are in bad situations, but I still can't totally help myself. I feel like I should see the crazy train coming and have time to step off the tracks and watch the trainwreck from the sidelines but I never quite make it off the tracks in time. If I constantly feel the need to censor myself I will disappear from Blogger again. If I do as I please and just live my life, I will eventually be confronted with the madness of the man I least want to have contact with. Am I being too paranoid? Is there such a thing as being too paranoid? I suppose we'll have to wait and see, because I have been in the mood to write, so that is what I shall do!

5 comments:

  1. I hope your life calms down soon. Anxiety can be so debilitating and needs to be carefully eradicated, probably by talking to someone you trust.
    I'm sorry, but I do not know what FOTY is short for. OTY is Of The Year possibly. "F" could be quite a few things of course. Whatever it is I do so hope you win in the end.

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  2. So sorry, Philip! When I was actually blogging regularly, the acronym was commonly known by most of my followers. It stands for Father Of The Year, which my ex husband clearly is not. A Little bit of sarcasm and a not so nice nickname for a not so nice man.

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  3. I feel for you. Somehow being so close to 60 has given me more freedon to say what I want and damn those who are offended. That is not to say that I deliberately try to provoke people. FOTY needs to get a life. He is the one with a problem, not you. He is accustomed to having you react to him, so don't. If you need to write, then write. If it brings a comment from him, ignore it!
    Easier said than done, I know. I e-mail one of my best buddies when I need to vent.

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  4. Kathy,
    I know what you mean! In my daily life I am the same way. The people I work with call it truth tourette's. I mostly say and do what I want, within reason at work of course lol. The paranoia comes from the internet. He always seems to find out things that I've discussed with friends on Facebook, even if they're hidden in the comment section of someone else's page. I think I had a "spy". That may be even worse, who does that?! If he can't find the info he wants he enlists someone else to watch and report? That part's just creepy and annoying, but then he goes on a tangent with the emails and text messages, it's harassment at it's worst. The local Sheriff's dept has a stalking file on him and they keep the investigation status "open" but he hasn't yet done anything they can really act on. I can move but because we still have one minor child I am bound by law to give him my physical address and the court order from the divorce says he has the right to contact me by email regarding our son, so I have to give him an email address. The only thing I can do after the move is change my phone number to avoid calls and texts. My son doesn't have that option though, the court order also says he has to have a working cell phone and his father must be given the number. It's all ridiculous and by it's very design gives him the opportunity to harass me and the "power" that he seems to think he needs. We ARE moving out of state and he doesn't know it yet. I expect a shit-storm when he finds out. But I think just knowing that I won't turn the corner at Walmart and literally bump into the man or see him when I stop at a red light will help immensely.

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  5. Charlene, this really is a dilemma and I can't presume to know what is the best thing for you to do. On the one hand, you are divorced and free of him and you could ignore him. On the other hand, he is mentally imbalanced and is going out of his way to stalk you and send text messages and emails.

    I would post as I wish but keep aware that certain topics could provoke him. I would not restrict myself to the point of being choked to death. I would ignore his emails or have them automatically bounced back. Some email programs can do that.

    If his goal is to provoke and bother you, then ignoring him might work out the better than responding to him.

    If you cannot get the emails to be bounced, then I would make sure the law sees and gets all of them. Hmmm. This might be preferable to having his emails automatically bounced back to him!

    Keep us apprised.

    ~Lorna
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