Bothered by... Paranoia

I am experiencing a bit of paranoia. Normally, I'd say that's not such a bad thing, being a little paranoid keeps you aware, which in turn keeps you safe. However, in wondering why I never seem to find time to write in my blog, one of the reasons that crossed my mind was, "FOTY knows about it". I think this is really the heart of the matter. I don't want to write anything too personal that could easily be viewed by FOTY and then in turn used against me in some way. The blogosphere has become, in my mind at least, yet another place for him to spy on me and at some point use the information he finds to blindside me once again with one thing or another. Things go quiet for weeks or even months at a time, then out of the blue the man starts pestering me again and basically just "poking" at me. It's a bit like poking a hornet's nest, he knows he will get a reaction. The thing I can't figure out is why he would want one? We are divorced, he has gone his way and I have gone mine. I honestly don't care where he is or what he's doing or with whom, but he seems to keep pretty close tabs on me and my son and at some point goes out of his way to let us know this. In speaking with someone familiar with his mental health issues, I have found that this is actually common behavior for someone with the issues he has. I don't suppose figuring out the workings of a warped mind are going to do me any good and it's not the least bit helpful to know this is common behavior for someone with his type of mental health issues. The fact of the matter is, it's making ME feel a bit crazy! I keep thinking it would help to move out of this town and as far away from him as possible but I'm not sure anywhere is far enough. If I post anything personal on the internet he seems to find out about it. I've removed every single Facebook contact that may have a personal relationship of any kind with him and he still seems to have some way to spy on me. I'm not sure how to proceed from here. Do I just live my life and never worry about what  he sees online or what gossip he hears from other people? If I do that, I may be happier temporarily but when he decides to blindside me it's a barrage of text messages and emails full of accusations and thinly veiled threats. The idea that someone is constantly watching, constantly judging has my skin crawling a bit. I really love to sit and write and I love the feedback I used to get when people actually followed and read what I had to write. The interactions with people I was getting to know and beginning to really like. I miss it. But every single time I do what I like and disregard the consequences it's like I'm standing on a railroad track waiting for the oncoming train and he is the conductor of the crazy train. I thought leaving was enough. I honestly thought removing myself and my children from an unhealthy, abusive situation was the answer. Now it seems like it will never be enough, like there is no answer. It's been three years since I filed for divorce. I feel like I should be in a position to help other women who are in bad situations, but I still can't totally help myself. I feel like I should see the crazy train coming and have time to step off the tracks and watch the trainwreck from the sidelines but I never quite make it off the tracks in time. If I constantly feel the need to censor myself I will disappear from Blogger again. If I do as I please and just live my life, I will eventually be confronted with the madness of the man I least want to have contact with. Am I being too paranoid? Is there such a thing as being too paranoid? I suppose we'll have to wait and see, because I have been in the mood to write, so that is what I shall do!

Bewitched by... Blogger

I have been treating my blog like an unwanted step-child. I want to love it and pay attention to it, but I'm too busy and too tired. I have recently given Twitter a try, but 140 characters is not enough. I have a Facebook account too, but it seems a little, I don't know... impersonal. I miss the days of personal interaction. I sometimes wonder if the younger generation today will even know how to personally interact with each other. For as convenient as the internet is, making it so easy to connect with people all over the world, it also seems to separate us from each other. I work in a place where the door is opened for each guest if possible and each and every guest is greeted with a friendly hello. We really go out of our way to make everyone feel welcome. I cannot tell you how many times everyday we are not greeted in return because the guest walking in is talking on their cell phone or walking while texting. We've become a society of mutants walking around in a daze with our heads down, looking at our phones and totally unaware of what is going on around us.

I like to read. I like to write. I want to tell you stories. The problem for me is, my stories are usually not what you'd consider a short story. It takes time to write and I'm not ever sure anybody wants to read all that. You may sometimes need a road map to find my point, I tend to go off in all directions before returning to the "planned route". The blogs I read that seem to be the most "successful" with a lot of followers and a lot of comments have postings that are all about the same length. So I sit down to write and know I can't possibly tell that story in that short length of time! So I don't tell it at all. *sigh*

So, to my 7 followers, if you are still following, I will once again attempt to do a better job at reading and writing in Blogger. Every time I return to Blogger after a long absence I feel so happy. I love to read all the posts that I have missed and see what's going on with all my Blogger friends. I have missed it and missed you all! I'm glad you're all still here, doing a better job of it than me!

Bewitched By... The Bewitching Women in my Life.

Oh my goodness! I was going to write a post about ungrateful children and some issues I have with them, but I got all kinds of distracted today by the "turkey wattle" on my neck! The idea of aging some days just seems so cruel and unfair. I do not feel old. I am only 43. That's not old! ... Right? So why then, is my face falling? My chin is starting to merge into my neck and there is this really gross wrinkling going on on my neck. So, what do I do? I start in with the creams and lotions and oils. And what happens? My "under-chin" breaks out in pimples! Yes ma'am, I now have pimples next to my wrinkles! That is so unfair and just plain wrong on so many levels.

Ok, let's start at the top...
My hair is thinning and graying.
My face is wrinkling.
My hearing is less than ideal.
My vision is... scary while driving. And don't even  get me started on "small print".
The boobies... less than perky. Although, with the right bra they still enter the room before I do.
The mid section has that "belly fat" you hear about on television weight loss ads.
The booty blocks doorways at work and has been the subject of more than one conversation in the work place. *sigh*

Have I painted a decent visual for you? I am "single and looking", but somehow I don't think this is what single men want to read about in personal ads. I remind myself daily that Marilyn Monroe was my size. Elizabeth Taylor had curves. They were beautiful women.

I think we women are our own worst critics and I think many of us spend too much time tearing each other down rather than picking each other up. I have a friend at work who goes out of her way to say something nice about each one of us daily. I love her for that! I have another friend who decided we should text each other something uplifting in our good morning text messages daily because "if we don't do it for each other, who will?" So she sends me messages in the morning that say things like, "Good morning Magical Woman" or "Hello Beautiful." I like that. I like it a lot. These are the bewitching women in my life. My wish for all women, is that you too have women like these in your life.

Today my status on Facebook read, "Feeling motivated to confront the past and let it go. My need for harmony is more important than my drive for understanding. Goodbye... without resentment or grief." I was talking about the first chapter of my life, and about those two ungrateful children. But I think I shall attempt to apply this to several other aspects of my life. Goodbye... to unrealistic ideals and the idea that you can look anything like the airbrushed celebrities you see on magazine covers. Goodbye... to the unrealistic idea of "perfection". You don't need a 20 year old's perfect body or a perfectly unlined face to feel beautiful. Maybe age, wrinkles, body fat, and a loss of hearing are sometimes required for harmony. And beauty. The absence of resentment and grief and the addition of harmony certainly makes me feel beautiful. And that, my beautiful friends, is more important to me than the opinion of any man!

So there you have it, Charlene's secrets to youth and beauty!

Bewildered By... The Stars

Recently I have been bewildered and incredibly interested by "the stars". Any and all mysterious things relating to: Astrology, Tarot, Mediums, Clairvoyants, Ghosts, the Afterlife, you name it, it's caught my interest. On an odd and probably unrelated note, I've also been quite fascinated by the stars in space, and have followed NASA on my Twitter feed just to see the incredible photos from space. They are truly amazing!

Today's bewildering thought runs in two related directions. Two weeks ago my horoscope was oddly specific and said I would meet a man and not to immediately dismiss him based on first impressions, such as the way he looks or speaks or something he says that I don't necessarily agree with. To do so would mean possibly passing on the chance to meet the "love of my life".Seriously, that's what it said! So I decided to be more open minded and less judgmental, always a good thing to strive for anyway, right? Well, the only man who's even come close to showing any interest was a bar troll in the restaurant where I work. Serious. Bar. Troll. He looks like a drunken elf, smells like an ashtray and must be 70 years old if he's a day. He asked me out twice then had one of the servers come find his "sweetheart" as he now calls me and proceeded to ask me out again. Then two nights later he came in and asked me out again and proceeded to tell my boss that he had a crush on me. Oh for heaven's sake! I'm all for being open minded but I am 43 years old and I do possess a modicum of self esteem. I actually think I'm kinda cute! I have a decent job, a new car and a nice apartment. I'm really quite the catch, even if I do say so myself. I don't give a rip what the horoscope says, I am not going out with a little old man who follows me around the restaurant making a pest of himself. To be brutally honest, as I seem to be of late, I can do better. I do not want to go on even one date with a man that I would be embarrassed to be seen with. If that makes me shallow, then so be it, I'm shallow.

The other part of this equation is the fact that I have had a crush myself, for at least a year, on a man who doesn't really show any interest in me at all. We work together so I want to believe that he's just to smart to mix business with pleasure. When he first started working there I didn't like him at all and the predominant rumor about him is that he's gay. I don't think he is. I asked him and he said he's not. Yes, I just straight up asked. I'm not sure exactly when I fell for him but I remember exactly when I realized I had. Last year's Christmas party was at a bowling alley and I spent the better part of the evening watching the door, but with no idea why. I figured it was some kind of paranoia, being in public in an unfamiliar place in this small town, those are the exact moments when I get blindsided by FOTY or someone he knows. But no, when he walked in the door I thought, "there you are, finally". Well imagine my own surprise by that thought! Shortly after that we decided to leave and he was standing by the spot where I had left my shoes so I said hello and thought, "sure now you show up, just as I'm ready to leave." I never let on until I attended a going away party for my boss and had a few too many drinks. After that everybody knew. Restaurants are worse than Spanish telenovellas for gossip and drama. So he knows. He's known since June and hasn't acted on it. He's gotten friendlier and more playful at work but that's the extent of it.

So here I sit, no love interest, no prospects, planning to move to the other side of the country in just a matter of months. I can't help but wonder: by not being the aggressor and really "going for it" am I possibly passing on the chance to meet the "love of my life"? Am I wasting precious time waiting for this shy man to make his move or get over the stigma of mixing business and pleasure? Or am I dodging a bullet because meeting the man of my dreams would surely put a crimp in my life plans and plans to move? I do know one thing, I deleted the horoscope app. with the startlingly specific info. that had me opening my mind for Prince Charming after the "stars" sent me a bar troll in his place.

I'm baaaack!

Whoa! It's been so long since I've been here and so much has changed! I took a look at my reading list and was so pleased to see so many of the people I used to see on a regular basis. I'd dearly love to write in here regularly again and have more contact with you all, so I won't promise but I will try.

We've been settled into our cozy apartment (cozy is code for small) for over a year now. I had hoped to be moved back to Phoenix by now but money and other factors kept us here. I'm hoping now for this June as a move date. I didn't get the job I was so hoping for at the time of my last posting, but I suppose that's okay. Everything happens for a reason, right? I have no idea what that reason may be, but I'm sure it's part of some overall plan that God, or the cosmos, or somebody somewhere understands. They say that which does not kill you makes you stronger. Well, my friends, I should be able to bench press a damn Cadillac by now!

My son and I are healthy, content and comfortable with each other in our new lives, just the two of us. We have everything we need and most of the things we want. I'm not sure you could ask for much more and reasonably expect to get it. When I decided to file for divorce and change all of our lives irrevocably and permanently I kept repeating one thing over and over like a mantra to keep me balanced, to keep my sanity, to justify my actions to myself; I repeated to myself, "I'd rather be alone than live like this, I'd rather be alone than live like this." Turns out I was right and wrong. I would rather be alone than live like that, however,  I am not alone. There's no new man in my life but I have my son and my friends and my job and a whole new set of acquaintances and most importantly I have ME.

 I have spent the time I've been away learning who I am and all the things about myself that I didn't know or had forgotten; all the aspects of my personality that I had repressed to keep the peace and "pretend normal". If you're a longtime follower you'll remember that pretend normal is the term I gave my married life. Nobody knew what was really happening and nobody took the time to really ask or care. In any group setting Father of the Year, the children and I all pretended we were a normal happy family. What a crock! I no longer do that. Unfortunately one of the side effects of shedding pretend normal and finding my true personality is that the years of hiding all that away has given me a form of truth tourette's. If I'm thinking it or feeling it, I tend to just say it. This is not a comfortable situation for some of my co-workers. Everyone around me is so concerned with "political correctness" or "customer service" that they have become fake, phony, contrived. I have become blunt and brutally honest. Wow, who knew so many people would get their little feelers bent by that? I guess it's not actually polite to point out other people's shortcomings even if you think it will help them do a better job or make everyone's job and workday a little easier. Oops, sorry. Okay, actually I'm not sorry. Another new-found aspect of my personality; I don't feel a lot of guilt over hurting people's feelings if I am, in fact telling the truth. I'm a big girl and I put on my big girl panties and went out to face the world on my own and I feel like all my co-workers should do the same. It's a job, someone pays you to be there. Go to work, do your job, then go home. If you're lucky enough to enjoy it or have a little fun during the workday, then you're lucky enough.

Myself, I'm feeling pretty lucky.

Bewitched by New Beginnings

New chapter, new year, new name... new job?
I went for a job interview today for a job I'd dearly love to have. Not a job, really, a career. Keep your fingers crossed~ A: that I'll get the job and B: that I'll be back here to tell you about it before you all forget that I actually have a blog! LOL

Happy New Year Everyone!
~Charlene